"We just don't communicate."

What is relationship distress?
Some couples slowly drift apart. Although the partners are not happy with each other, they seldom express it directly. For these couples, it is often the snide remark or eye roll that says it all. Other couples scream and hurl obscenities at each other. Relationship distress can cause the most reasonable and healthiest of individuals to act in the most uncharacteristic of ways. Individuals in distressed relationships display little good-will or tolerance toward their partner and are quick to judge or criticize.

Cognitive-behavioral model of relationship distress
Cognitive-behavioral models view relationship distress as composed of

• Emotional,
• Behavioral, and
• Cognitive factors.

For example, when his wife leaves the house without saying goodbye, a man might have the thought, "All she cares about is herself. She never gives a thought about me," (when in reality she was thinking about a difficult meeting she was to have that morning at work). This thought might cause him to feel angry (emotion), which causes him to snap at her (behavior) when she arrives home at the end of the day. His behavior triggers her thought, "There he goes again, acting like a spoiled little kid," which causes her to feel angry (emotion) and yell at him (behavior), which reinforces his thought that she cares only about herself and would rather be alone.

In addition, partners in distressed relationships often hold maladaptive and unrealistic beliefs about what a relationship should be like or how the partner should behave. When the relationship or the partner's behavior is evaluated against these often rigid models, it often comes up short, and unhappiness is a common result.

Cognitive-behavior therapy for relationship distress

• Education. Couples learn strategies for resolving conflicts, communicating effectively, and increasing positive interactions; they practice these skills during the therapy session and outside of the session through structured homework assignments.
• Monitoring. Couples monitor their interactions to identify the details of their relationship distress (conflict triggers, cognitive distortions, and unhelpful behaviors) to get information that will guide the therapy.
• Cognitive. Couples learn to identify and change patterns of thinking that contribute to the distress in their relationship, such as when one member of the couple tries to de-escalate a conflict and the other discounts this effort with the thought, "You're just saying that, but you don't really mean it" or when a partner in a relationship believes, "If we have any disagreements at all, then this must not be the right relationship for me."
• Behavioral. Individuals who are in distressed relationships often withhold praise and avoid doing nice things for their partner. Over time, the negative interactions between the partners far exceed the positive ones. Active efforts to increase caring behaviors can improve the emotional climate of the relationship while increasing each partner's willingness to work hard to make more substantial changes in the relationship.

Additional resources

Books:
For links to purchase these books and others, please go to Self-Help Books for Adults

Abrahms Spring, J., & Spring, M. (1996). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is never enough. New York, NY: Harper & Row.

Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1983). Messages: The communication skills book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

McKay, M., Fanning, P., & Paleg, K. (1994). Couple skills: Making your relationship work. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.